9. But What About “Socialization”?
Quick summary: Homeschooling is highly social. In fact, it provides the opportunity for a much higher quality of social interaction than traditional school. Homeschooling communities are true communities with a long history of resource-sharing and providing real support to members. To start making friends and building community, enroll in a class, join a local homeschooling group, enroll in a homeschool co-op or start inviting homeschoolers over for weekly game nights.
What’s in a word? “Socialization” doesn’t mean what you think it does.
Busting the Myth: Homeschooling is highly social
Traditional School vs. Homeschooling: Which is better for socializing?
Eight easy steps to make friends & build community
Thirty-three wonderful ideas for how to make friends as a modular learner
Unique challenges & how to overcome them: only children, rural areas, introverted parents
The importance of family relationships in building social skills
Making friends and building diverse, interdependent community
This guide wouldn’t be complete without addressing the #1 question about homeschooling: how do my children make friends?
Not only is homeschooling highly social, but the opportunity to curate enriching social experiences for their children is also a main draw for families who choose homeschooling.
In this section, we will break down the word “socialization,” demonstrate how homeschooling is highly social (with real-life examples of social homeschoolers), compare social experiences in modular learning v traditional school and offer parents some concrete tips to start making friends and building community. These strategies will help families improve their children’s social experiences, whether they’re homeschooling or practicing modular learning as a supplement to school.
What’s in a word? Socialization doesn’t mean what you think it does
Every parent wants their child to have friends and enjoy a healthy social life. Numerous studies support the vital importance of play in both cognitive and social-emotional development.
It does take a village to raise a child. Parents also need to connect with like-minded peers to share resources and support.
“Play is central to how children learn: the way they form and explore friendships; the way they shape and test hypotheses; the way they make sense of their world. -Project Zero
“But what about socialization?”
It’s nearly impossible to utter the word homeschooling without some well-meaning critic asking, “but what about socialization?” At Modulo, we have a special pet peeve about this word because it’s so often misused:
According to the Oxford dictionary, here’s the definition of “socialization.”
Socialization “the process by which someone, especially a child, learns to behave in a way that is acceptable in their society.”
Typically, when people use the word “socialization” they are trying to express that they want their children to make healthy friendships and learn to get along well with others.
But that’s not what “socialization” means. If all you care about is that your kid is popular, fine, the word fits. But if what you really want is for your children to know how to cultivate deep, lasting relationships, socialize with confidence, make meaningful contributions to their community, love themselves, feel at ease with others and also enjoy time alone, stand up for what’s right, speak their truth to power and learn to collaborate effectively with peers today and work colleagues tomorrow, we don’t think “socialization” is the world you’re looking for.
When we think about building social skills, we think about collaborative projects, compassion, friendship, play, sharing laughter and tears, and sharing bright ideas. We think about the idea of “true community,” where individuals share resources and support.
For all these reasons, rather than use the word “socialization,” we’ll talk about learning how to socialize and build “social skills” in this guide, not “socialization.”
Homeschooling is highly social
The most common fear families have about homeschooling is that their children won’t have friends. In actuality, the opposite is true.
Modulo’s ongoing survey of over 800 homeschoolers has revealed that 75.1%of homeschoolers are satisfied with their child’s social lives. 13.7% reported feeling neutral and 11.1% are dissatisfied with their children’s social lives.
Homeschooling and modular learning, in particular, can be highly social. And perhaps provide a higher quality of social learning than traditional school.
Just like modular learners curate their children’s education, they curate their social experiences as well - to optimize whole child development. These tips don’t just apply to homeschoolers but modular learners who attend school and want to enrich their children’s social life.
Homeschoolers have lots of friends of different ages. They go on group field trips, meet up at the park, take dance classes, participate in debate club and soccer teams. And they spend more time nurturing relationships with immediate family - which is much more critical to learning to socialize than many give credit. Many attend homeschool co-ops 1-2 days a week.
Just like choosing a homeschool curriculum, curating social experiences takes a little intentionality and extra effort. But it doesn’t have to be hard, and the payoff is huge.
From Hacker News: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=32746423
Homeschool vs. Traditional School: Which is better for socializing?
According to the most recent Census Survey on Reasons for Homeschooling, 80% of families cited discomfort with the environment at their child’s school (specifically safety, drugs, or peer pressure) as one of their main reasons for homeschooling. When asked to choose their top reason for homeschooling, the largest number of parents (25%) chose discomfort with the environment at their child’s school as their #1 reason (compared to 15% for academic instruction and 13% for a desire to provide religious instruction).
It’s not the purpose of this guide to glorify homeschooling as a foolproof option for every family. Rather, we believe in curating a child’s social, academic and childcare experiences to optimize their cognitive and social-emotional development.
When looking at socializing, let’s see how traditional school and homeschooling stack up.
While it can be nice to have a built-in group of friends at school, it’s useful to keep in mind that school is a socially engineered environment. Just like the academic structure, the social structure at school was designed to provide an adequate social experience for a large group of students across the entire country. And the degree to which students suffer from mental health issues, isolation, and social anxiety reveals there are many flaws in the design.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health:
“Based on diagnostic interview data from National Comorbidity Survey Adolescent Supplement (NCS-A), Figure 3 shows lifetime prevalence of social anxiety disorder among U.S. adolescents aged 13-18. An estimated 9.1% of adolescents had social anxiety disorder, and an estimated 1.3% had severe impairment”
Single-Age Classrooms vs. Multi-age groups
At school, 30-50 children the same age are assigned to a single class. They only learn to socialize with kids their own age. Homeschooling is a multi-age environment. In homeschooling, children interact with a variety of peers and adults of all ages. Often older kids also teach younger kids and model sophisticated, complex problem solving and critical thinking.
Bullying vs. time to develop meaningful friendships, overseen and facilitated by parents
22% of school children report being bullied in school. Sometimes peers and often even teachers are the bullies. In homeschooling, children have more time to interact and get to know each other. They are part of a close-knit community with accountability and support. Families are there to observe, protect and help children treat each other with kindness and respect, allowing them to refine their social skills as conflicts arise through facilitated, experiential learning. The built-in accountability of the community reinforces these skills.
Cliques in a big school vs. a smaller, interconnected community revolving around learning
According to University of Chicago research, there are more cliques than ever at school. Cliques are frequently segregated by race, age, gender, and social status. These exclusive groups can have a negative impact on children’s self-esteem as members or non-members of the clique. As cliques revolve around following certain codes of conduct, counter-culture cliques may unite around drugs and alcohol.
Stanford researcher Edmund Andrews demonstrated that the network ecology of the school had a big impact on the degree to which students formed cliques. Bigger schools with less focus on academics had more. This may explain why we’ve never seen a clique within a homeschool group. Secular homeschooling communities are much smaller than big public schools, and the entire community puts a high premium on quality education. Caring about education is the core value that brings these communities together.
Drugs and Alcohol Abuse vs. Relaxed social environment, more attention, and more time for meaningful relationships with family
The US Center for Drug Abuse statistics declared that the alarming recent rise in drug abuse among 12-17-year-old students (8.33%) constituted a public health crisis. Many factors in a traditional school setup contribute to addiction: cliques, social anxiety, less time connecting with family, less time to socialize, and less time for creativity and exploring interests outside of school. Unlike traditional school, in homeschooling, teens are rarely part of cliques that hurt self-esteem or revolve around drug experimentation. Families spend much more time observing changes in their children and developing meaningful bonds with kids. Both of these factors (attention and meaningful family time) are considered to be the most critical components in preventing and healing drug addiction.
Racism vs. Diversity and inclusion
According to the CDC, 35% of all high school students report racism at school. This is highest among Asian (63.9%), Black (55.2%), and multiracial students (54.5%). The population of Black homeschoolers has grown 5x since its pre-pandemic levels, with homeschoolers citing racism as a key reason for their choice to homeschool. Black homeschoolers are finding and creating more supportive, antiracist environments through modular learning. Curriculum also impacts self-confidence and social-emotional health: children need inspiring and positive role models who they can relate to and emulate. The rising population of Black homeschoolers cite “white-washed” history and literature as one of the main reasons they choose to homeschool.
Sexism and Sexual harassment vs. safe, empowering environments for young women and girls
It’s no secret that girls and boys are treated differently than their teachers. Girls are praised for acting nicely, while boys are punished for acting out. Women writers are underrepresented in ELA curriculum, leaving fewer role models for girls. History curricula celebrates the achievements of founding fathers and male political leaders. Girls often develop a lack of confidence, especially in STEM, a false belief that they’re “not a math person.” Girls are at greater risk of sexual harassment and abuse from peers and even school employees.
“A 2019 study by the Journal of Sexual Abuse found that 10% of K-12 students will be subjected to sexual abuse or misconduct by school employees, and that students who are low-income, female, and in high school are most likely to be the target of sexual misconduct by school employees.”
Homophobia and Gender Identity Discrimination vs. equity and inclusion
According to the CDC’s 2019 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 32% percent of LGBTQ students face bullying on school property. Just like racism, the large, socially engineered environment that breeds cliques, the emphasis on White, Male role models in literature and history curriculum, the heteronormative, limited approach to sex education, and the lack of time teachers have to observe and facilitate healthy social behavior leads to homophobia and gender identity discrimination. Literature and history exclude the experiences of women and marginalized groups, which, as mentioned, negatively impacts confidence and ambition.
Anyone different experiences bullying, which is often overlooked or dismissed by schools - or even misconstrued by teachers as an inherent component of the socialization process.
Some teachers consider bullying to be a normative behavior that may help children to acquire social norms (Kochenderfer-Ladd and Pelletier, 2008) and find it unnecessary to intervene. In other cases, they do not intervene because they do not feel sympathy for the victim (Yoon and Kerber, 2003). Besides, teachers are unlikely to intervene in bullying situations when they feel they could not obtain any results (Dedousis-Wallace et al., 2013), when they perceive the behavior is not bullying, or when more hidden forms such as relational or verbal bullying are occurring (Blain-Arcaro et al., 2012; Duy, 2013; Haig et al., 2013), because they are often not perceived as bullying by teachers (Bilz et al., 2016). -Lisa de Luca, Annalaura Nocentini, and Ersilia Menesini (The Teacher’s Role in Preventing Bullying)
Absence of parents vs. Time to develop family bonds:
It’s also crucial to emphasize that a child’s relationship with their parents and siblings is vital for creating a healthy foundation for future friendships. Having positive relationships with family members is a form of socializing and may be the most important groundwork for building a healthy attachment style in adults.
Social Anxiety vs. Less stress-inducing social interactions
Cliques, large schools, and overcrowded classrooms all contribute to heightened social anxiety in students. In contrast, homeschooling environments are much smaller and more laid back. Communities are too small to lack accountability. Everyone kid knows every other kid and their parents.
In homeschooling, highly extroverted kids can participate in large group activities (park days, field trips, homeschool prom). More introverted students might prefer one-on-one playdates and small group activities. In homeschooling social activities, it’s perfectly normal for one child to circle the crowd, alternating observational/alone time with group participation as best suits their personality style.
For children with social challenges, it’s invaluable for them to be able to participate in a group with neurotypical kids and observe how they relate, engaging, and taking alone time as needed. This is possible in an inclusive homeschool environment with parents there to support the process.
In the school system, children with severe behavioral issues or strong sensitivities such as (sensory-processing disorder) are typically sent to a special school with kids who share their diagnosis. However, what they most need is to be able to observe and learn to engage with neurotypical kids, as they can easily do in a homeschooling environment. In fact, we’ve observed that many of these behavioral issues work themselves out on their own when children are able to participate in a less regimented setting.
If you’re interested in seeing first-hand the transformation in a child’s social experiences from a traditional school environment to a modular one, check out “Class Dismissed,” which chronicles the experiences of a family with two daughters in the Bay Area as they transition from traditional school to homeschooling. The film does a great job of showing how the girls become less polished and concerned about fitting in and become more confident and at ease around peers.
Ableism vs. Appreciation for Cognitive Diversity
Over 20% of US students have been diagnosed with special needs (aka the traditional school system can not serve them well and needs to bring in extra reinforcement). These include, but are not limited to: giftedness, profound giftedness, dyslexia, dysgraphia, ADHD, sensory processing disorder, cerebral palsy, autism, and visual and auditory impairments. Many more children have these challenges but have not been formally diagnosed because they’re invisible to teachers or the school lacks the initiative or support services to provide a diagnosis.
One of the characteristics of a neurodivergent student is that they might not necessarily behave in a conventional way. A profoundly gifted student might be teased for being “a nerd.” A student with heightened sensory perception might be teased for being a “crybaby.”
The reality is that this nerd may grow up to be the CTO of your next tech startup while that emotional child gets an Oscar for his groundbreaking film.
We have a motto at Modulo: “weird is wonderful.” As adults, we appreciate diverse perspectives, eccentric personalities, and passionate, outside-the-box thinkers. But in socially engineered school environments, it can be hard to be happy and make friends if you diverge from “the norm.”
Many of us who are successful now are still traumatized by what we experienced in school. It’s true that homeschool kids and parents might be a little weird, but we love each other all the more for the diversity that brings to the community. We all become better through each other’s weirdnesses. The key differentiator is those differences are accepted, assimilated, and integrated, not shunned. They lead to better relationships, not worse ones.
In traditional school environments, children with learning challenges are segregated. In homeschooling, children are integrated. Inclusive environments are better for children with special needs because they learn how to relate to a variety of students and model behavior. Where they have social or academic challenges, they can observe and learn from the patterns of students who are more advanced than they are. Where they are advanced, they can help guide and inspire “neurotypical learners.”
Limited Social Time vs. Unlimited Time for Play
In school, students get 25-30 minutes of recess a day. They may spend all their time with other kids, but they’re punished for talking to them in class. With 30 students in a class and the pressure to prepare them all well for standardized exams, teachers are limited in the amount of time they can allow students to contribute to class discussions. The end result is that while students may be sitting quietly next to each other, they have little time to actually get to know each other and build close friendships in school. The result is less empathy, more cliques, and more bullying. In homeschooling, kids have unlimited time to socialize and build social skills with support and guidance from parents and mentors. They don’t only know other kids, they also know their parents and siblings, leading to greater accountability and support around friendships.
Resource Competition vs. Resource-Sharing
In schools, students compete for grades and social status. Parents pay for after-school activities and back-to-school supplies. In homeschooling, families share resources including, but not limited to, childcare, friends, teaching, clothing, and knowledge. As more resources are shared, the whole community does better. As more members enter the community, it benefits all members by adding to the pool of shared resources.
American Psychiatrist Scott Peck defines “True Community” as:
“a group of individuals who have learned how to communicate honestly with each other, whose relationships go deeper than their masks of composure, and who have developed some significant commitment to ‘rejoice together, mourn together,’ and to ‘delight in each other, make others' conditions our own.”
Social learning happens effectively in modular learning communities, because they are “true communities,” not socially engineered ones. As the secular homeschooling community grows, there will be more opportunities to connect with families passionate about learning in urban, suburban, and rural areas.
Eight easy ways to make friends & build community
Like any curated path, it will take a little time to set up your child’s social life and build community. But it will be a social life based on your child’s unique personality and unique social needs. There’s no reason to reinvent the wheel. Our step-by-step guide to making friends will get you started in no time.
Join a global, online secular homeschooling community
The Modular Learning Community (on Facebook or Slack), SEA Homeschoolers (on Facebook), and /homeschool on Reddit are highly curated online communities where you can find important general information and also connect with modular learners in your area.
Join a local unschooling or modular learning group on FB or Meetup
Unschooling groups on Facebook are generally the best way to make friends. Follow these links to find a Facebook or Meetup group near you. Facebook still seems to be the best way to connect with secular homeschoolers, but if you’re not a fan, you can use Modulo’s Curated Community to get help connecting with friends near you. Our child life specialists help each community member find local friends who share their interests and values.
Introduce yourself to the community
Once you’ve joined an online group, introduce yourself to the community! We generally encourage writing an introductory post, sharing that you are starting homeschooling and want to make friends. In private groups, to get more friends, include a photo of your family and a colorful post with your reasons for homeschooling, children’s ages, and interests! If you feel more private, you can simply share that you’re a new homeschooler looking for someone to talk to. You’ll be surprised to see how many people immediately invite you to playdates, park meetups, or even over for dinner! You can also post in global groups that you’re looking for friends in your local area (or put in the name of your city as a keyword and see what posts pop up). Be sure to check your “other” folder on Facebook in case anyone messages you privately.
Attend a regular meetup
You’ll see that homeschooling groups have lots of meetups featured. It’s generally a good idea to pick a meetup that you always attend once a week or once a month. Consistency is important for building community and lasting friendships.
Join a homeschool or afterschool class
Classes are great ways to make friends, especially for kids who prefer smaller social environments. Often, homeschool parents offer free classes to other kids in the community. See our guide to “finding homeschool programs” for more ideas on choosing classes.
Find a homeschool co-op near you
Homeschool co-ops are small hybrid schools with 5-10 students that meet anywhere from 3 hours to 3 days a week. They might be parent-led or run by a teacher. Pricing ranges from free to slightly less expensive than private schools. Online groups are a good way to find out about homeschool co-ops. And if there isn’t one in your area, you can start your own!
Host a weekly meetup at your home
Once you’ve made some friends, it can be good to set up a consistent social gathering at your home. This is especially a nice idea for introverted parents with extroverted kids who might not like attending big social gatherings with kids. It can be as simple as a game night where 3-4 kids play a bunch of board games every Thursday at your home or the library.
Start something new!
Even if you live in a very small, rural area with not a lot of secular homeschoolers, you can still make a lot of friends. If there aren’t a lot of existing offerings in your community, it’s easier to start something new than you think. Host a homeschool meetup on Meetup or Facebook, start a modular learning group, or offer an origami class to homeschool kids. Your contributions will improve the community for everyone and draw more homeschoolers in!
33 wonderful ways to make friends as a modular learner
To get a felt sense of how socially rich homeschooling can be, here’s a list we’ve compiled of the 33 top ways modular learners like to make friends. Hopefully, it will provide you with some inspiration, whether you’re a homeschooler or looking for ways to supplement your child’s social life as a supplement to school!
Families can join or start a …
4H Club
Art class
Book Club
Cub scouts
Dance classes
Debate club
Drama Club
Field trips
Forest School
Game Day
Golf
Hiking
Homeschool Co-op
Homeschool PE class
Jiu-Jitsu
Karate
Library program
Meetup
Museum class
Music class
Park Days
Playdates that rotate homes
Robotics Club
Skill Shares
State park programs
Summer camp
Swim Classes
Tae Kwon Do
Team Sports
Volunteer (Animal shelters seem to be a favorite)
Weekly playdate
YMCA
Zoo days
Unique Challenges & How To Overcome Them: Only Children, Rural Areas, Introverted Parents.
Not all homeschool environments are created equal. It’s undeniable that in larger urban, progressive areas like Los Angeles County, the Bay Area, NYC, or Portland, there are more existing opportunities for secular homeschoolers. And some families have an easier time making friends than others, no matter where they are. That said, we’ve seen all varieties of families and kids make strong and lasting friendships. Let’s discuss the most common challenges and how to overcome them.
Small communities
It can be tough to make friends for homeschoolers in rural areas and secular homeschoolers in the Bible Belt. If there’s not an existing secular homeschooling group, unschooling, or modular learning group locally, then start one!
Introverted parents with extroverted kids (or visa versa)
It’s frequently the case that an introverted parent is inspired and challenged by giving birth to a social butterfly. It’s also typical that a family has multiple kids with varying social styles. In this case, families can work out a social situation that works well for everyone. That’s the beauty of modular learning! Hosting a small gathering at home, drop-off homeschool co-ops, and classes can be great options for parents who prefer their kids to do the bulk of the socializing.
Families in the opposite situation (extroverted parent and introverted child) should know that there’s no imperative to force their child to socialize. Each child requires a different level of social interaction, and this may vary from age to age. But it’s important to honor your own interests as well. In this situation, it can be nice to attend a homeschool meetup where children can choose their level of involvement, playing alone or joining the group as they feel inclined. This works well in outdoor meetups where there is lots of space for kids to play around the group or within the group as they’re inclined, without the pressure to constantly interact.
Parents with only children
Socializing can be tricky for a child without siblings, whether they are in school or as a homeschooler. Only children have different levels of extroversion. Your child may prefer spending more time with you, and that’s perfectly all right. Gentle encouragement is ok, but there is no benefit to forcing them into social situations before they are ready. Signing up for classes, hosting a game day at your house, and doing babysitting swaps can be great ways to help build a family beyond your immediate family for your only child. For more ideas on how to help only children make friends, see our blog on how to help your only child make friends.
Becoming a teenager
As kids grow older, many start to crave a bigger social environment. The homeschool co-op with five kids just doesn’t cut it anymore. Families need to play a role in helping to expand a child’s social circle if that’s their child’s inclination.
Joining a homeschool center that offers a wide variety of classes or connecting with another family with an older “teen in the scene” can help your teenager develop a new friend group.
Older kids leaving school
We’ve often observed that it can be more challenging to transition to homeschool as a teen after spending seven years in a highly structured environment. The level of freedom and choice can be a bit overwhelming after being used to being told exactly what to do at all times and the consequences for not doing so.
While parents might be anxious for kids to start learning, It’s good to give kids a period of deschooling (as many as six months) when they can explore this newfound freedom and re-discover what interests them.
In contrast, transitioning to school is very easy for most homeschoolers. Since they have developed a lot of self-efficacy as homeschoolers, they have a high ability to adapt and make friends easily with a wide variety of students.
Too much socializing
One of the problems with being part of such an interconnected community and having so much extra time for play-based learning is that a family’s social calendar can fill up quickly. As a homeschooler, you’ll have to get comfortable with setting boundaries so that your family still enjoys time together alone and your child has space to direct their own learning independently.
The importance of family relationships
When most people think about socializing, they envision large groups of children playing together. Few discussions of social enrichment include family relationships. Quality family time is vital to laying the groundwork for healthy attachment styles that will help children form - and hold on to meaningful relationships throughout their entire lives.
Children may know what they want, but it is dangerous to assume that they know what they need. To the peer-oriented child it seems only natural to prefer contact with his friends to closeness with his family, to be with them as much as possible, to be as much like them as possible. A child does not know best. Parenting that takes its cues from the child’s preferences can get you retired long before the job is done. To nurture our children, we must reclaim them and take charge of providing for their attachment needs. -Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Maté MD (Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers )
There’s a huge ROI on spending more quality time together as a family and improving relationships within the family, between parents and siblings: Building meaningful relationships with parents and siblings can help improve academics, social skills, pre-empt or help teens heal from addiction and build self-esteem.
We can’t say it enough: there is no bigger factor in improving educational outcomes than parent involvement in learning, whether it’s academic, social, or emotional. Families interested in exploring this topic further might be interested in these compelling books which illustrate the importance of spending time together as a family.
Hold on to your kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers is a national bestseller by renowned childhood development experts Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Maté MD which examines the trend of peers replacing parents as primary role models, and the crucial importance of the parent-child relationships.
The Well-Adjusted Child: The Social Benefits of Homeschooling by Rachel Gathercole gives a point-by-point in-depth breakdown of the inherent social advantage of homeschooling vs traditional school.
For more on the value of spending more time together as a family, and how to make the most of it, see “Family Involvement in Education.”
In our experience observing hundreds of homeschool groups in urban, rural, and suburban environments, we’ve found secular homeschooling communities to be highly active, diverse, and inclusive. And education seems to be a powerful force in uniting these communities. They generously share resources and support. Uniting around this shared value - quality education - strengthens and reinforces these communities.
Modular learners share classes and childcare and support each other when a member is sick or needs financial assistance. Kids have more time to connect with their own parents and siblings - which provides the essential foundation for positive interactions with other peers and adults. As outsiders to the system, they are all the more welcoming to new members regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Children with cognitive or developmental challenges are accepted here without judgment and benefit from inclusion rather than segregation.
Like any curated path, it will take a little time to set up your child’s social life and build your community. But it’s well worth it to have the customized social life and interdependent community that helps your whole family flourish.
After reading this section, you may be convinced that modular learning is a better path to a healthier social life but still feel concerned about how to balance your own work life with a modular approach to education. In the next section, we go in-depth on childcare (and yes, you can homeschool with a full-time job). Most importantly, we explore how modular learning can provide better and more meaningful childcare coverage than the 6 hours of school offers.
